The REAL St. Patrick’s Day
For anyone who didn’t know, Saturday was technically St. Patrick’s Day. And I’ve got a big beef with it. Not that the Catholic Church moved it. Not that what St. Patrick is credited with is most likely a fable. No, my complaint is why do we only celebrate one St. Patrick? There’s so many important Patricks that need to be recognized that did so much more than drive snakes off a little island. So today, let us recognize the real St. Patricks on the real St. Patrick’s day. Heroes every one. Let us long sing their praises.
Our first unknown St. Patrick is the somewhat forgotten, but still recognizable…
St. Patrick Duffy - Patron saint of 80s TV actors.
Who is complemented by…
St. Patrick Swayze - Patron saint of 80s movie actors.
Praying to these saints is best accomplished by wearing a “Who Shot JR?” T-shirt while holding a VCR tape of Dirty Dancing.
Our first female saint is strangely followed by more males than females.
St. Danica Patrick - Patron saint of athletes who believe image is everything.
Known followers include Vince Carter, Alex Rodriguez, & pretty much every member of the Notre Dame football team. Anna Kournikova has refused to acknowledge St. Danica. She has in fact petitioned Rome to take her place, as it would give a nice boost to poster sales.
Probably the second most well known St. Patrick is…
St. Patrick Star - Patron saint of voice over actors.
Some have questioned his sainthood on the basis of his possible relationship with Spongebob. But the pope stands firm on this one as his is a big fan of Dauber from Coach.
Prominent among young teenage boys is…
St. Patrick Dempsey - Patron saint of goofy looking teenage boys who grew up to have women think they’re hot.
Not surprisingly, the number of people hoping to fall under his sainthood is much greater than those who actually do.
A good number of athletes offer prayers to this saint…
St. Patrick Vieira - Patron saint of goofy looking athletes.
He hears daily from such notables as Al Del Greco, Randy Johnson, Bobby Kielty, Yoakim Noah, Willie McGee, half of the 82 Detroit Tigers, Charlie Villanueva, Sam Cassell, the 86 Boston Celtics, Otis Nixon, Mike Ricci, Patrick Ewing, Chris Kamen, anyone that has to wear field hockey goalie gear, etc… And with his enormous noggin, he can remember every single one.
For science fiction fans out there…
St. Patrick Stewart- Patron saint of Trekkies.
This was going to be William Shatner. But someone at the Vatican heard him ’sing’.
Of wide spread appeal is our next St. Patrick…
St. Patrick Warburton - Patron saint of questionable career choices.
“Pat, get this. A blue spandex costume with bug antennae, but you don’t have to wear a mask so everyone will recognize you. It’ll be great.” - Patrick Warburton’s ex-agent
Probably no St. Patrick has made a greater contribution to culture than our next one…
St. Dan Patrick- Patron saint of chronic catchphrase users & of men with unmovable hair.
St. Dan seems to have his own center of worship located in a complex in Bristol, Conn.
And finally, two St. Patrick’s that will be tied to each other forever…
St. Butch Patrick - Patron saint of adorable child actors.
Butch was not the first choice for this particular sainthood. But unfortunately the original choice….
St. Neil Patrick Harris, went and got his sainthood revoked.
Uh, yeah… Happy St. Patrick’s Day anyway.