The Modern Amish

‘Some woman called for you.’ my wife said with just a hint of annoyance in her voice.  Not the type of thing you want to hear usually.  Especially right after church when it seems like you may have to repent of something toot sweet.  Was I in trouble?  Who could this ‘woman’ be?  Will I be sleeping on the couch tonight?  The questions flew through my mind.  But as soon as I played the message, heard a voice of a friend from the past, & heard my wife’s pleased laughter I knew that I was in much bigger trouble than I had planned for.  For the voice on the message that belonged to the woman who in 7th grade endured my being depantsed in front of her (and who would later be my date to the senior prom), brought a sobering, chilling, dreaded realization.  I realized, it’s time for my 20 year high school reunion. 

20 years.  20 freaking years.  There exists a plethora of cliches about time & it’s relentless march on.  And every single one of them is true.  I am an intelligent, college-educated, successful, thoughtful person who apparently has no ability to mark the passing of time.  Even of a period so great as 20 years.  1988 still seems so recent.  Near enough to touch even, and yet there is the very real possibility that some of my former classmates are now grandparents.  5 presidential elections have been held since I walked out with my diploma & memories.  I officially must now acknowledge that I am no longer young in age. 

20 years.  I can’t even remember the type of person I was back then.  It seems like life, real life, hadn’t even started for me.  Although I recall being mature in some ways due to my dad building a real work ethic in me & things I’d went through in general, in many ways that define a person, I was just a kid.  I was still basically selfish.  I didn’t view society or the world as a whole, all I saw was my place in it.  Nothing else existed.  The future wasn’t to be worried about.  People over 30 were old.  My parents still weren’t all that smart.  Would I even recognize that guy today? 

20 years.  In 88 Reagan was alive & the president.  George Bush the elder was veep.  Wrigley Field saw it’s first night game.  Greg Oden, Carly Patterson, Brooke Hogan, Kevin Durant, Vanessa Hudgens, & Haley Joel Osment were born.   ’Pistol’ Pete Maravich, Andy Gibb, Louis L’Amour, Sammy Davis Jr., Divine, Enzo Ferrari(yes, that Ferrari), & the great Roy Orbison died.  The St. Louis football Cardinals still existed Jan 1, but they didn’t by the end of the year.  The Rams were still in L.A.  We didn’t know Mike Tyson was crazy.  Michael Jackson still looked black.  The NHL still had Wales & Campbell conferences.  George Michael, Rick Astley, & Tiffany all had hits.  And we wondered ‘Who Framed Roger Rabbit?’. 

20 years.  I had people that I was excited to see everyday that I haven’t seen in those 20 years.  Others I saw at the 10 year reunion but not since.  The best friend, the old flame, the gang, others that passed in & out for varying amounts of time & with different levels of impact.  All drifted away into the past.  Like smoke that thins until you can no longer see it, but you can still smell it in the room.  Vanished from consciousness but not memory.  Having left indelible imprints on who I was.  Who I am.  Who I will be. 

20 years.  Where has the time gone?  Where has that world gone?  Where have those people gone?  Where have I gone?

20 years…

As the old saying goes ‘Momma didn’t raise no dummy.’  I can tell when fate is tapping on my shoulder.  It’s the right time to find some answers.  To look back in order to see better what’s ahead.  No great grandiose voyage of self-discovery.  No burning issues from my past that must be resolved in order for me to become well-adjusted & content with life.  God’s taken care of my life better than even I ever dreamed.  No.  I’m good with where I am & who I am.  It’s only that I see that on the road of my travels through this world, there are some things behind me that are worth turning around to visit again.   If for no other reason than I just want to.  But I believe there’s always lessons to be learned from what life takes you through.  Nothing is by accident.  Nothing is without reason.  You just have to find what the reason is.  And sometimes the search alone is it. 

And so I’ll start searching.  Turn on the floodlights.  Release the hounds.  Call in the helicopters.  There’s something waiting to be found here.  And if there isn’t, helicopters are always cool.  But I’m reunion bound.  I’ll let you know how the trip goes & what familiar sights I see along the way.  Share whatever life changing epiphanies beset me.  Who really knows what I’ll find.  But I’m going.  The reunion is one month away.  I’ll be there.  And this time, I’m keeping my pants up. 

• Windows Vista would only be available to buy at an auction in rural Washington.
• no blue screen of death because the Amish build things that work right.
• would have been too honest to steal DOS from IBM.
• a Gates quilt on every bed.
• would push Smuckers to the brink of bankruptcy then give them a hand staying afloat.
• his wardrobe would drastically improve.
• so would his haircut.
• his store would change their recipes every few years no matter how much you liked the old ones.
• no pictures would exist of sultry, smoldering, babe-magnet Bill.

So the allegation has been made that Tom Cruise is not the father of Suri.  That indeed, she is the daughter of the late L. Ron Hubbard.  I’ll leave all the inane chatter on the social ramifications of this for TomKat to others who have lesser minds & no lives.  But as for me, here are my 10 reasons why Tom Cruise cannot be Suri’s father.

1. He’s gay.
2. He’s really gay.
3. He’s totally gay.
4. He’s wicked gay.
5. He does not find members of the opposite sex attractive.
6. He’s gay as Fay on a lovely day in May.
7. He was still trying to figure out why that guy squirted him in the face with water.
8. He was too busy picking out window treatments with Doogie Howser.
9. His search for the child bearing receptacle of the next great prophet of Scientology was taking up too much personal time.
10. Did I mention that he’s gay.

Our highly useful & incredibly instructional farming tip today comes courtesy of the AgrAbility Project & their tips for farming with an arm amputation.

• Although nails can be started using one hand, doing so may result in a smashed finger or a blood-blister. One-handed nail starters could be good alternative. These starters include the Ted Hammer, the Auto Hammer, or a hammer that has been adapted with magnets attached to the inside of the claw that hold the nail in place while it is being started. One farmer who used a Dorrance Hook found a simple solution–he grasped a comb in the jaws of the terminal device and placed nails between the teeth of the comb. The comb held several nails in place so he was able to start them all very quickly.

There you go & happy farming.

As we’ve already established on this blog, I don’t just go along with the crowd.  I march to beat of a different drum, take the road less traveled, put peanut butter in my chili, etc.  In no way do I think this makes me better than anyone else.  But I do feel it gives me a clearer perspective on some things.  Especially being free of the mainstream media forcing their opinions down my throat.  My vision on certain things is less clouded by the obstructions of others you might say.  And although I am opposed to aforementioned forcing of opinions, facts are another issues.  When a truth is revealed, it must be given to the world.  And so, like Isaiah of old, I have a message.  Believe it, & it can help set you free.  Ignore it, & it may destroy you.  Are you ready?  Here goes.

WILL FERRELL IS NOT THAT FUNNY!!!

Can I get an amen? (Amen!) Thank you brother.  Now people who know me might be a little surprised by the statement, because I used to say he just isn’t funny at all.  But, being the open-minded kind of guy I am, I looked a little closer & reevaluated my position.  And I’ll tell you why.

Ferrell specializes in dumb comedy.  Goofy facial expressions, stupid body movements, acting ignorant, etc.  That in & of itself is not a bad thing.  There is a place for that in movies & TV.  The success of The Three Amigos & Dumb and Dumber show that pure dumb comedy can be funny.  But many have labeled Ferrell a comedic genius, & dumb comedy does not equal comedic genius. 

That is where I used to leave off with Ferrell.  From what I saw of his SNL work & early films, he was nothing but a dumb comedian.  Most of his films are worthless, throw-off, comedic drivel that appears only to be made to milk the growing number of Americans that can’t handle anything other than stupid comedy of their money.  Most of his routines are nothing more than mental diarrhea that’s enhanced with exaggerated gestures & overblown expressions.  If he continues on this path, it will only end in him being totally irrelevant, a la Chevy Chase.  But, I have finally seen a reason to have hope.

Stupid comedy for satire is one of the great comedic mediums.  Think Steve Martin in The Man With Two Brains & All Of Me.  Think The Honeymooners.  Think even back to the Marx Brothers in Duck Soup & Buster Keaton in The General.  Each time the dumb comedy brings out not only the absurdities of the stars, but the ridiculousness of the characters around them.  They illustrate that life itself is a comedy at times to be enjoyed, & joined in on, by all.  I have seen that Ferrell has made attempts at such satire, but he errors in making himself the center of the dumb comedy instead of the foil for others.  But what I have seen of Anchorman shows me that he can find his way to comedic genius if he will but learn the old adage, less is more.

I haven’t watched the entire movie yet, mainly because I’ve been repulsed by almost everything else I’ve seen him do.  But the clips I’ve seen show him playing a more subdued character in Ron Burgundy.  Still flawed, ridiculous, & funny, but not so much as some around him.  Still the star of the show, but because everyone else plays off of him as opposed to him having to outshine them all.  His Celebrity Jeopardy skits are another example of this.  Playing Alex Trebek he gets big laughs & runs the show even as others, Darrell Hammond as Sean Connery for example, get big laughs at his expense.  But you still know Will is the man.   

Right now, Will Ferrell walks a perilous line.  On one side is Chevy Chase & Jerry Lewis.  Comedians whose dumb schtick wore thin over time.  On the other side is Buster Keaton, Charlie Chaplin, & Steve Martin who used their skills to skewer other people & situations around them.  Yet were always capable of getting off a big gag at any time.  What side will he choose.  The easy way that will most likely leave him box-office poison in a short time, or the more nuanced path that could end in true comedic genius?  I’m going to watch Anchorman.  I’m going to be hoping for the best.  And for the first time, I’m going to be pulling for Will Ferrell.

• being on Colonial House would’ve been a step up for her.
• Oprah’s Book Club pick?  The Bible every time.
• the book club would be replaced by Oprah’s Quilt Club.
• and Oprah’s Jelly Club.
• and Oprah’s Furniture Club.
• she wouldn’t care about Barack Obama.
• Amish fashions all the rage with women ages 30-49.
• she would dismiss the exploits of Paris Hilton, Lindsey Lohan, Brittney Spears, etc. with ‘Whatever happens in Rumspringa, stays in Rumspringa.’
• she’d consider Dr. Phil just a crazy servant of the Devil’s Playground.  And she’d be partially right.
• Letterman never would have made that ‘Oprah. Uma.’ joke.

Sometimes in life, you simply stumble into greatness.  You’re not looking for it.  You’re on no mission.  You’re simply strolling along life’s highway, trying to stay between the ditches when BOOM!!!  You get gobsmacked in the chops by something which changes you forever.  Something that alters the very fabric of your being & leaves an indelible imprint upon you for the rest of your life.  Oh happy chance that turns our life onto a better path.

Finding The Amish Outlaws was nothing like that.  But it was still wicked cool.  I was surfing the web looking for Amish themed stuff to dress up the blog with & their site had the picture of Amish Snoop Dog I used in the first ‘If they were Amish’ post.  I was intrigued by the thought of a cover band composed of former Amish, read their story, listened to some tunes, & found a new mission in life.

The origin of the Outlaws lies with 4 young Amish men who entered their time of Rumspringa, where Amish children are given a chance to live free of their Amish upbringing for a time before deciding if they want to enter the Amish Church.  The vast majority of Amish children do come back to the church, but these 4 didn’t let the proverbial door hit them in their butt on the way out.  I won’t steal their thunder, but these 4 along joined up with 2 ‘English’ (as Amish folk refer to non-Amish) to form one of the most popular cover bands in their area.

I know what you’re saying.  “You said it wasn’t a life-altering experience, but then you say you found a new mission in life.  What gives?”  Those are two different things.  Totally.  It’s my blog, and I say so.  What’s the mission?  I’ve got to see these guys.  Just check out their set list.  Jay-Z, Rick Astley, 50 Cent, Dean Martin, Led Zepplin, Elvis, & more.  Are you kidding me?  All played by a bunch of guys in traditional Amish attire!  They’re redefining awesome as we know it.  I would’ve headed out already with a good friend of mine, but I don’t think that even I could sell that road trip to my wife around the holidays.

• Me:  Honey, I’m going to have miss Christmas with both of our families this year.  You’ll have to take the kids by yourself.
• Wife:  Oh really.  Why is that?
• Me:  Because I’m headed to New Jersey to watch 6 Amish dudes rock out at a bar.
• Wife:  (Insert your own highly sarcastic & withering phrase here)

Yeah, it could only go downhill from there.  But I still have a purpose before me now.  Other than getting another sushi dinner.  Go check these fine Amish lads out yourself.  And if you’re in the NY/NJ/Penn area, go give ‘em some love.  They took a bold step in life.  For you, for me, for themselves, for the music.  Amish Outlaws, bringeth forth thy rock!

Our tip today is for all you organic farmers looking for a environmentally friendly way to get rid of slugs & comes courtesy of selfsufficientish.com.

• To make a simple slug trap get a small pop bottle, cut off the funnel shaped neck and turn it upside down and place it back into the bottle. The picture above is an example. Then put a few ml of stale beer in the bottom and leave it on its side by the place you get the most slugs. Loving the smell of beer it should fill with slugs, who will drown in the beer unable to get out.

Drowning in beer?  Sounds familiar.  And I can imagine some guys listing this as one of their preferred ways to go.  Use at your own peril.  Happy farming.

• worlds first beard toupee.  And it would be horrible.
• his catchphrase would be ‘Thou art fired.’
• stretch buggies.
• he would have turned the other cheek to Rosie’s insults.
• no need for comb-over.  Black hats look good with everything.
• Trump Taj Mahal would be referring to a barn.
• the scandal created by him trying to corner the Lancaster County real estate market would bring him guilt all his days.
• The Apprentice contestants would be challenged to come up with better ways to sell quilts to tourists.
• we’d get to see Ivana minus makeup…

              Dear Lord NOOOOOOO!!!!!

Since it is entirely possible that someone will actually stumble upon this blog looking for something legitimately Amish.  I thought it would be a good idea to include something that might be useful to said someone.  So each Friday, I’ll be posting a helpful farming tip for my dear readers.  Use it to your health.

Today’s tip comes from the Department of Agriculture of the Philippines.  And is in regard to hog farming.

• If the milk supply of the sow is inadequate to feed her piglets, supplement her with a good creep ration.  Use a milk replacer.  Choose from many available brands. 

Happy farming.